Wednesday, 27 April 2016

That Terrifying Stuff Called Certainty

Dear Eira and Butch,

Boy, am I glad that we’re all writing again! Not on a regular basis, no, but frequent enough to post entries on this blog every now and then. It makes me glad, too, that we have all come up with these insights just by trying to live everyday, if that’s not too vain or too obvious to say.

I totally agree with Butch’s previous post about settling. I know I ended up in unpleasantly complicated situations in the past for not subscribing to the delayed gratification school of thought. I’m glad Butch realized this about her career early on in her life… and look at the rewards you got in the end! Part of me envies you for what you have reached in life, but it’s the kind of envy that’s mostly proud of what you have accomplished.

Now I would like to take this time to write about my take on settling. Eira has heard of this story a thousand times, but I would just like to make an entry about it for my own reference and as a way of catching up with Butch. ;)

As you ladies may already know, for the longest time I had this fear of commitment when it comes to romantic relationships. There was a time last year when news about friends getting engaged and married freaked the hell out of me. I was scared for them, somehow failing to realize that they’re probably ready and were happy about their choice. I was not completely confident about their decision, but this is mainly because of my own fears brought about by years and years of romantic failures.

I have been in and out of relationships too many times that I thought it’s a never-ending cycle of unsatisfaction. I was even preparing myself to embrace singlehood for life! Not that it’s the worst thing that could happen to someone. I can name a few people who are happy and fulfilled with their decision living their lives alone. Like the Latina author Sandra Cisneros who wrote the critically acclaimed The House on Mango Street (I’ve a couple of copies if any of you guys want to read it). She never married and instead devoted her life to writing and teaching. I think that’s a pretty swell way of settling.

Knowing myself, I know deep in my heart that I really wanted to settle with someone I can live with for the rest of my life, with our own kids to raise and nurture, to tell stories to about men who were flawed and vulnerable, who struggled with their selfish nature, and in the end, have overcome their personal demons and delivered their good intent for humanity. I wanted that kind of life. I did not want to settle with just any man. I wanted to be with someone who fully understands this kind of desire, or is at least open for it. But I was scared of myself, that maybe I was the kind of person who would never get content with what she has nor would she ever know what she truly wants. I was getting frustrated already that I started making peace with the possibility of never finding such a man, or that kind of contentment, in my lifetime.

It’s funny though how it’s during the unlikeliest of times that the Universe decides to toy with your feelings. So there I was, living my life peacefully, still dreading the idea of marriage and tired of the unfulfillment hooking up had brought me, when finally just talking to this certain person made me feel so safe and so secure, it felt so much like home. It was the first time—first time, I tell you—that I fell for someone when he’s not even trying to make advances on me. Normally, I’d fall for people because of what they said to me or did for me that made me feel special. But with this person, I just fell for him for I admired him first as a person, not because he’s just another potential lover who'd smother me with his affection. He wasn’t pushy. It didn’t feel like he ever obligated me to talk to him. But I wanted to, because he’s kind, and gentle, and sensitive, and generally wonderful. It was the first time in my life ever that I thought to myself, “I'm marrying this guy. Or if not this guy, someone like him.” (Marrying! Me?!)

This makes so much sense now.

I started telling my friends (ask Eira haha) that I finally found my husband, and it terrified me. Terrified, because I didn't even know if he liked me the way I liked him. Terrified, because I always thought that everything that begins is bound to end. Terrified, because I’ve never been so sure of anyone in my life. Finally, I was being careful. I couldn’t get myself to flirt like I usually did, or to act coy. It was the first in my life that I was legitimately scared because it was so good. It was the first and only time that I truly cared.

I will save the details for when we next meet. All I can tell you is that I’m finally, FINALLY, ready for this:

Yep. I guess I am Summer.

Love always,

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